Marriage Questions – How do I save my marriage, after deployments and infidelity?
I had been deployed for most of my marriage. She and I were great together and envied by most people. However, I cheated on her with one of her friends. One time. I was drunk after a bad fight with my wife. She found out, and after some talking agreed to counseling. I came back from another deployment, after she said she wanted a divorce, and found out she had a sexual/emotional affair with a co-worker. After a lot of drama, she slapped me with a restraining order(there was no physical violence!) I want to work things out to at least try to see if this is salvageable (we have two little boys). How can I with the divorce coming in January, and her almost unreachable?
Please…I don’t want to hear answers telling me to leave or move on. I have already run that through my head a million times. I love her, and she is the mother of my children. Please help with ideas how we can at least come together to search ourselves and see if our marriage is still worth it.
Best Answer: if shes not willing, there is nothing u can do.work on yourself, and forget her for now. get some therapy.if u can’t reach her u can’t work on this. sounds as if she has just given up.
- Just keep telling her you love her and that you are sorry.Next ,IF she gives you another chance, once your tour is over you get OUT of the military if you want to stay married,she is NOT military wife material.
If she is not willing to work things out,then I am sorry.You can also pray the LORD can help you out either way it goes. - Unfortunately, YOU can’t save it. It will take both of you to be willing to do so, and if she isn’t there is nothing you can do.
I know it’s not what you wanted to hear, but it’s the truth. Sad to say, I know from experience.
Good luck. I hope things work out for you.
For what it’s worth – a sincere “THANK YOU” for serving our country overseas.
- Tell her that you are even now, and that you are sorry for what you did, but you were also hurt to hear of her having an affair, but that you deserved it after what you did to her. Tell her you can forgive and forget if she can, and that you want to start over with a clean slate.
- First , to make this work both parties have to really want it , and work hard at it.
I know you may not want to hear this , but if she does not want it to work ….. there is no point in any action on your part.
If you both want it to work… really work… get counseling ASAP. If she does not want to go …. you should go, for you!
I was on the receiving end of a marriage break up ( I was the one who was told that the other was leaving). After 4 years of “trying”, I was miserable and lost 4 years trying to save something that was , already gone.
My heart is with you, let your heart have its time to catch up to what your head is telling you. - I’m sorry you are going through this. It sucks. But when you cheated on her you opened a window that allowed her to do the same pretty much guilt free. She had a get out jail free card and she used it. The difference is your “cheating” was a one night drunk fling. Hers is an “emotional affair”. It sounds like she has already left this marriage in every way except for the paperwork and if she doesn’t WANT to make it work it doesn’t matter what you do. Statistically, women leave their marriage when they say they will if they are involved with someone else, where as men usually coward out of it at the last second. (Probably when the $ factor and real life consequences come into play) A lot depends on her relationship with this person. If it’s over…you might have a chance. If she’s still with him and won’t talk to you at all, it’s over dude. Sorry.
- Maybe ask her to one last family trip to a tropical place she has always wanted to go. Then have someone there to help with the kids and try to make it like as peaceful as possible. Show her you still care about her and that you still love her. If that doesn’t work, at least you can honestly say to your two boys that you did everything you could. But seriously…think of something that she has always wanted to do, and do it as a family.
It saved my sisters marriage after her husband was in Iraq. They are great now…they said that is what saved their marriage. I think they went for free too….talk to your church Chaplin on base. They also can give you great advice. - You may love her and I’m sure she still has a place for you in her heart, but if she is filing for a divorce then there is not much you can do. One person can’t fix a marriage, it has to be the both of you and if she’s not willing then that’s it. You being deployed obviously put a strain on the marriage but that wasn’t an excuse for what the two of you did as far as cheating on each other. But what’s done is done. It’s time to focus on your two sons and make them your top priority. She has a restraining order against you so don’t give the court a reason to not grant you joint custody.