How Do I Save My Marriage

My husband never looks at me like he loves me and never acts like he appreciates me. Everytime he looks at me he turns up his nose at me like I’m a cockroach. We haven’t had sex for one year and 7 months. I was pregnant for nine months and that was the excuse, then there’s the post pregnancy period but since then he’s had a variety of excuses. The latest one being that i need to initiate sex with him but in a way that he will find appealing. I would except prior to this he gave me an assortment of other excuses and told me point blank he just didn’t want to have sex with me. Because of how those things hurt me i refuse to initiate sex with him (childish I know, but I just can’t force myself). Anyway, we rarely have fun conversations and when we try to talk about our problems nothing ever gets resolved. So I feel talking to him would be pointless. I’ve never been so unhappy. I get so jealous when i hear about or see other people in happy relationships and I’m really lonely. I hate being at home because all he does is sit on the couch, watch sports and sleep. He works but we’re both teachers so right now we’re off work and everyday I just have to watch him just sit there and like I said if he looks at me its not in a pleasant way. Earlier this week we dropped the baby off at my mothers for about 6 hours and went to eat and to buy some curtains and spent some time at home but it wasn’t an enjoyable experience, mostly just awkward silence. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life this way and i can’t take it anymore. So before I ask for a divorce I want to know is there anything I can do to save my marriage? Should I just give up?

Best Answer: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
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The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
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Woman Power: Transform Your Man, Your Marriage, Your Life
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
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• Why are the two of you so busy avoiding sex? Isn’t it enjoyable for the two of you? Is it possible that he’s gay, but is just avoiding facing the facts? The two of you need some counseling to get your marriage back on track so that your baby has a chance of growing up with both parents in the house.
• both of you speak to a pastor, is it porn? could he be seeing a co-worker? i tend to think he gets sex somewhere.
• Why dont you try a short separation before you decide to divorce, this will give him time to think if he really needs a family and what had gone wrong with your relation.
• Talk to him ask him why he is feeling this way. Or just one nite go to bed without any clothes on and say come on big boy gimmie some.
• Do you want to save your marriage? have you thought about a counselor? what does he think?
• Stop focusing so much on what you “think” that he thinks about you.
  Start doing things that you enjoy such as exercise activities, pedicures, get a new hair style…..etc……..Laugh, have fun, and let him stay on the couch.
  Another thought:
  (He could also be depressed.? Have you asked him about this?)
  Stop focusing so much on your “feelings” that he is somehow “rejecting” you. Feel and think good about yourself (God made you special and unique and loves you) so that is reason enough to feel better?
  What I’m trying to say is to do the Tom Sawyer thing……..make him think that you are the best thing ever and you just might let him in on all of the fun you are having.
  Hope this helps……….I have lots of other thoughts on this……maybe this is a start.
  But never give up!
• Since talking to him is pointless and you have tried counseling and he refuses to go back, then I guess you only have two choices left. Spend the rest of your life being miserable or get a divorce.

  I noticed that you said the sexual problems in your marriage started when you became pregnant. Did you have a good sexual relationship with your husband before you got pregnant? Have you gained a lot of weight since you had the baby? What is your husband’s biggest complaint about why he doesn’t want to have sex with you anymore? Ask yourself, is there anything that I can do that will save this marriage or is it too late and I would rather throw in the towel and get a divorce?

  You deserve to be happy and if you can’t be happy with the man you are married to and you don’t want to be with him anymore, then you should get a divorce and find someone you can be happy with.

• it really sounds as if u are hurting im really sorry for that …. idk a few thoughts came to my mind.. have u asked him why yet?… out and out no bluffs no saving of the feelings. he prob. will give u a straight answer if u dont make it emotional. maybe he sees u different now after the birth of a baby like wow shes a birthing machine more than a woman. a guy i knew said hed never look at “that area” the same way again after he watched the birth of the baby. maybe you two have grown in different directions, and u need to find something to reconnect on. u said he likes sports go learna ll u can about his fav team so u can talk about it. i know its not the kind of talk u want but its a start. as as much as u dont feel like it next time u see him smile brilliantly at him, when he recoils and asks why say oh i just remembered when we were dating and you______. dont go overboard at first but go buy his fav food. compliment the way he …. takes the trash out so u dont have to orders dinner so u dont have to cook im sure ull find something. do something like that like 2 times a week. dont talk at ALL anymore about relationship stuff he knows exactly what u want. as unfair as this may seem u might have to give more than u get right now. but thats what relationships are about not just 50 -50….i tread lightly here, but perhaps u have gained a little weight from the pregnancy.. some men( im not saying this is right) are mostly visual….and they want a very attractive wife( im sure ur beautiful) so go dress up… pretty your hair everyday, makeup EVERY day….. dont wear sweats and tshirts not sex inducing materials. im not saying go slutty just perk it up. buy a few lacy bras and leave them around…. dont jusmp right into sex mode… you know how to be sexy every woman does.. go do it and act like u dont know ur doing it. you know what i mean. dont ask for it dont hint at it.. just be the beautiful sexual woman u are and trust me hunny if hes not drawn to you like a bee to a flame …. i dont know anything then…..be that woman again who turns heads who is confident is happy and has a life instead of watching him who says u have to watch him watch sports go get a life sweetheart! join a bowling league, a mom playdate with kids… let him miss you!!!!!!!! the rare commodity is the most valuable!
• you sound very unhappy, try a break from each other a holiday anything, just go, sometimes its enough of a wake up call. it sounds awfull my heart goes out to you, something needs to be done b4 you are drained of your self esteem and confidence, best of luck x
• well im going throught the same thing and ive been trying for 3 years and its just getting worse.he claims he wants to try and change but he only last long enough till i unpack my bags and its right back to the same thing.im tired of it.i work all the time to stay away from home.we never speak if we do its a fight or put downs.we never say we love each other we have sex once a month or once every 2 months.when ima awake he is asleep and when i go to sleep he gets up.we do nothing together.all he does is eat sleep watch nascar and stay on the internet.im sick of living like this too and life is too damn short.and i want to be happy and be in love and he aint going to change i see that.so i told him today i wanted him out and nothing he could say or do would change my mind ive heard it alllllll before.and im done.so all i can say is if your not tired enough yet you will be and u will get out.i already feel better i feel alive again and its not even been a day im free thank god almighty im free.lol…lifes to short so if you really love him and he is willing to try thats one thing but if he doesnt nahh get out dont waste another minute on him,…good luck
• This is a classic case.

  Your “husband” is a controller.
  The things he does are in order to block intimacy.
  This keeps you emotionally isolated at a time when you need it the most.
  It is like putting a bug in a jar, the relationship looks functional but it is not.
  Abuse comes in many forms.
  Withholding emotions is a form of abuse.
  A relationship requires more than an exchange it requires empathy. We must know each other. An equal partner shares the experiences of her mate. An unequal partner is not in an intimate relationship. One person cannot make an intimate relationship.

  You cannot change anyone.
  However you can come to a deeper understanding of yourself, and your situation, and your options before you take any permanent steps. You should go to a counsellor.
  You may wish to read the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship. by Patricia Evans. Your husband is on page 85.

• If your husband isn’t willing to change and make things better then maybe it is time to end the marriage for good. He sounds like he doesn’t think that anything is wrong and doesn’t want to go back to counseling. Maybe the marriage is over and it is time to just move on.
• There`s always a solution to save your marriage, you just need to have will for it, and he does too. You said you`ve tried talking to him and nothing works. How about you suggest some marriage counseling, or plaint blank ask him if he still loves you, and you ask yourself that as well because it all comes down to, do you still love each other? What is there left to save this marriage?
  It seems you`ve both been growing apart for a long time now. You`re living together but feeling and thinking totally different things. You need to put that back together but the only way is by first accepting that you have a problem and then agreeing to resolving it. It seems you do, or at least you`re willing to give it one last shot…how about him? You need to know that first.
  So although talking may seem like not the best option, it is the only one right now. Talk to him again shooting him with questions and demanding some answers…
• I´m a man, I adore my wife. I could never do to my wife what your husband is doing to you. I am 69 and my wife is 47. We enjoy each others company. If we have a bad day or argue about something, we resolve our differences in our alone time every night together. We spend a least two hours talking, laughing, and planning the next day.
  We are sexually active, having sex about two times a week, sometimes more. I would advise you to separate, and if need be, divorce. You may also seek out a marriage counselor, if you both want to save your marriage.
• Yeah, sounds like you are quick to give up. While you may have been feeling like this for a while, It doesn’t sound like you’ve done much to try to fix the situation.

  If your man isn’t an big jerk (that starts with an A and ends with a hole), and you don’t say if he is or not, then he’ll be interested in fixing things too. But you really need to start communicating. Maybe he’s feeling unhappy too and doesn’t know how to go about it either.

  If he is an jerk, then you might be right, leave and get on with life.

• i think that you should talk to him, tell him how you feel, let him know that you want it to work, but if he doesnt care or shows no concern then leave…..if he wants you he will tell you that he does, if not.. your wasting your time that you could be using being happy, and finding a better man that will take care of your needs. hes out there if your husband isnt. many fish in the sea? its true i know.
• You both need to talk to each other. If he doesn’t open up first, you need to be the one to initiate the conversation. If he ignores you, or doesn’t want to give you time, then a divorce probably is the answer. You have to lay out all your feelings on the table and let him know exactly how you feel. The way he reacts or responds should answer your question, weather or not this marriage is worth saving.
• The way to find out what is going wrong, is to look at what was happening when it started, over a year and seven months ago.
  What was going on in your lives when the baby was conceived? How was your relationship then?
  Was it a hoped for pregnancy, or an “accident”? Could he be resenting being “forced” into an unplanned parenthood? Or was parenthood in your relationship plans? Was the timing right? For BOTH of you? Did it cause financial hardships? Extra burdens on him?
  Were things already not right back then and you hoped that a baby would fix them? Was this a last ditch effort to hold onto a failing marriage? You did say that you’d tried counseling before. Poor infant if that’s the case.
  Why no sex throughout the pregnancy? Having had 4 children I know there’s no harm in having sex in a stable pregnancy. Were there physical problems/dangers with you even getting pregnant? Could the fear of losing you have him shut down from you, to avoid getting hurt?
  Could it just be that your sex drives are just that different? You did say you didn’t have sex that often, even before the child was conceived. Perhaps a doctor’s check for him to test his hormone levels and his general state of health would help clear up any possibility of physical causes.
  Has he ever suffered from a “failure” in the bedroom, and is worried about a repeat performance? Was he humiliated or upset? Were you loving and tactful, or did you laugh at him, his inadequacies?
  How is he otherwise? Could he be suffering from depression? Stress issues? Work related problems? Just feeling old (having a mid-life crisis)?
  Look for the reasoning behind what’s happening, if you want any chance of fixing this. But in the end, if he’s not willing to be the other half of this marriage, you have to decide if you can live with that, or if you have the courage to strike out on your own.