How Do I Save My Marriage

My husband and I have been married for 3 years and have known each other for 7 years. We have lived in Australia, London and have been travelling in europe and working in London for past 4 years. We are now at the stage of starting a family, he is 36 and I am 30. We have discussed having kids many times and we have taken jobs that are more suited for this e.g maternity leave etc.

4 weeks ago my husband suddenly decides that he is unhappy and wants to end the marriage. He said that we have nothing in common and different values. Nothing he is saying is rational or makes sense. He also said he feels like he has failed in life and needs to achieve more and that the marriage is stopping him from achieving his dreams which he cannot define.

I was so ill and could not eat for 7 days. Then he continued with life as usual and did not want to talk to me. Then as my health was really bad I asked him to stay at a friends. He has now decided to take a 6 month lease to think about what he wants. 2 days ago he said he wants to works things out, then yesterday he said he only said that out of guilt.

This is the worst experience of my life. I am so devastated and I was really happy and did not feel anyrhing was wrong in the marriage and was so happy everyday. I cannot imagine ever being normal again.

Best Answer: im not sure what constitutes a mid life crisis,but if there is such a thing i think my girlfriend is having one.i guess its when someone in your life does something completely out of character,rational thinking goes out of the window and someone ends up dumped.

i dont see why a marriage has to stop anyone achieving their dreams.if two people love each other and are dedicated to working for each other then you should be more capable of achieving goals.

i think he is lacking a bit of honesty here because you say he is unclear about what these dreams are exactly.i think he should be telling you that the love for whatever reason,just isn’t there anymore.if it was he wouldn’t have put you in this position.he’s being vague because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings but more than that just hasn’t got the guts to be honest.

you have to expect the worst scenario and let him go.do whatever you got to do to make yourself happy and chances are he will back sooner rather than later when he’s realised what he lostl you could fight for him
but thats thinking of him and your relationship when he’s only thought of himself.

be grateful that you can have a clean break.i have to see my girlfriend nearly everyday because we have children together and she has been a million times more callous than your husband,im going to try and make myself happy to show her but its harder for us because were the person getting their heart broken. i hope i have helped a little and that you find yourself and then a good man to have a family with.

• Hon, I had this happen after 24 yrs of marriage. After he waffled back & forth for 2 years, the truth came out–he had a new woman.
  I’m sorry, but it sounds like he’s traded you in. Let him go–in fact, insist on it!– and move on. Trust me, you can find even greater happiness, because I sure did!
• when nothing they say makes any sense, and he finds fault with his life, u can bet its due to being with someone else, and when that someone else begins to give ultimatums, and make demands, he will always make up flimsy excuses, and find reasons why he doesn’t want to stay in the marriage.
• So sorry sweety, sounds like he already moved on way before he said anything to you. Usually when a man does this out of nowere someone else is on their mind.drop him now dont let him hurt you anymore im sure you will find love again.
• How is being married stopping him from achieving what he wanted? Unless it was your career that moved you all over the place. I hate to say this, but I don’t think it’s any of those, it sounds more like there’s another woman in the picture, or at least one he fancies. The constant changing of opinion can be a sign that the outside infatuation may not turn into a promising relationship. I’m not trying to make you paranoid, just saying I’ve heard of this tactic and it sounds just like it.
  Other than that, I guess you should just give him some space, it sucks, but may be the necessary evil to save your marriage, then, when it’s time, talk it out.
• I feel for you both, I really do. Neither of you are having a good time of it at the moment. Reading from the point of view of a third party it appears that there was nothing wrong with your relationship or your marriage until the subject of children loomed up on the horizon.

  It would seem that you both enjoyed being free and mobile, travelling, living and working in different countries. Now, all of a sudden, you are static with more permanent jobs. Your husband feels shackled, rooted to one spot. This makes him feel terribly uncomfortable and he feels it is your marriage that is doing this to him.

  Actually it isn’t the marriage at all. It is that fact that he has already had to change his life dramatically for a child which hasn’t even been conceived. He feels that if this is the way things are now before the child is here he wouldn’t be able to cope at all once it has arrived.

  You, on the other hand, feel the pull of mother nature calling you to have children.

  What is the answer? Maybe you should shelve the idea of children for a while if you can. Repair your relationship. Travel and live life as you used to. Allow your husband to regain his confidence and wait for him to suggest children.

  Being a single mum with a bitter ex husband and a broken heart isn’t the way to go after all.

• You are letting him know that he can always get you back by letting him see how much this is affecting you. You need to pretend you are ok with this,go out or at least pretend you are going out and having fun. Then when he sees that in fact you may quite enjoy not having him around he will sh*t himself and want you back. Let him see that he really may lose you whilst he is “thinking about what he wants”. Saying all that you may actually think what a twat he is after you have got used to life without him and not want him back at all!

  I have to just add that normally when a guy does this he already has another woman on the go,i hope not but really you need to check out some things like phone bills etc.

• Yes it could be a mid-life crisis but you must be prepared for the worse. He also may have another woman. It’s hard to accept but I believe that a man will only leave his wife when another woman is waiting for him. I hope this isn’t the case and that he’s just going through some sort of crisis but it’s best to be prepared.

  If you love him, fight for him. Let him know much he means to you and how much you love him. Also let him know that you’ll support him if he wants some time to think things through. Make sure you let him know that you’ll be there if he needs you but you are willing to give him the space he needs. Just reassure him and let him know that you love him. That’s really all you can do for now and hope that he will “wake-up” and come back to his wife.

• Dear Anna,
  I am sorry this man has done this to you. At least you did not get pregnant then things would’ve been more complicated.
  The Bottom Line” He’s found someone new in his life, that is why he is giving you the run around. I suggest you start getting all your things in order because he’s gonna file for divorce that way you will be ready.
  When men do this kind of stuff it’s usually another woman in the woodworks. Take Care of yourself, he really don’t deserve you.

  Good Luck

My Husband wants to try counseling to save our Marriage. Thus being the second time around with the same Trust issues yet now only deeper then the first time, I am again as always willing to try to do something to fix our Marriage. So if anyone out there can direct us the right way it would be nice. Funds are very low financially so any help would be greatly appreciated. I really think maybe this time he is serious about keeping his family… Thanks

Best Answer: Sorry, but no reputable marriage counselor is going to work solely online. The fact is, marriage counseling needs to be done in person. It’s important in counseling to be able to see people’s body language, hear their tone, see their facial expressions, how they interact, etc. Online marriage counseling is not a good replacement for face to face marriage counseling. No reputable counselor is going to do this, because there is just too much missing in the counseling, and there is a huge liability for a lawsuit for offering sub par counseling that will affect someone’s life.

There are numerous other options though. There are county mental health clinics that offer free or low cost counseling, including marriage counseling. There are also college psychology clinics. Almost every college with a psychology graduate school program has one. Then graduate students need to learn counseling, so they offer free or low cost counseling under the supervision of several experienced psychology professors. I did this during graduate school, and it’s very common. Just look into them. Lastly, almost all churches offer some sort of marriage support. It is not exactly the best option, since they’re not fully trained in psychology most of the time, and since their advice is obviously very religiously slanted, but it is still a better substitute than online marriage counseling.

If you’re serious about making your marriage work, then commit to it. Get an extra job or cut back on certain items for it. It’s your marriage, and you shouldn’t skimp on it or use a cheap shoddy substitute to try to work things out. If you broke your leg, you wouldn’t sit there and ask for an online doctor. No, even if you didn’t have insurance, you’d go get the help you need, even if it were at a free health clinic or a medical school or something like that. Online counseling is not a good option at all, sorry.

• Just look up “Free online Marriage Counseling” in your Yahoo Search Engine.n Then try “Free marriage counseling in ____(Your city, state)”

  Most states provide mental help clinics that may have a program for marriage counseling. You can check with you local free health department.

• I DONT KNOW ABOUT ONLINE BUT ALMOST EVERY CHURCH HAS IT FOR FREE

I value chastity and only want to have sex with my future husband. (I’m not a marriage crazy young woman; but I value morals and family). However, I made a couple of mistakes in the beginning by having sex with my first and second boyfriends. I didn’t have sex for more than 3 months, so I’m wondering, since I’m not a virgin but am abstinent now (I’m 28), will a guy call me a hypocrite for wanting to wait? One of the reasons for wanting to wait is that both of my former relationships were based on sex for the guy, and there was virtually little wait time before we became intimately involved. I learned that these former boyfriends only wanted to hang with me for my body and face. They did not value me as a human being. I have a great deal of self esteem and respect for myself now, and I don’t want to make the same mistake of falling into a sex-centered relationship. The trouble is that every guy I date pressures me for sex on the first date. When I say “no” and that I want to wait, they never want to see me again or try to pressure me even more, all the while acting like jerks.

I value sex and want to be treated as a human being, who is responsible, lovable, and intelligent. How do I let guys know that I am saving myself without seeming like a hypocrite (for not being a technical virgin)?

Best Answer: No I’d be pissed , good luck explaining that sh*t to some guy. Let me get this straight your ex boyfriends got to fck you and leave you , now I don’t get any and I have to suffer because they used you for sex , and sex only , so you automatically think Im going to do the same. She would have to much drama for me. I think I speak for 98% of guys on when I say we need sex in a relationship!

• Just explain your story, when you meet a guy who really is interested in settling down in the near future and likes you, he will understand.
• its called born again virgin sweetie.
  just say that and explain why to them
  if they care they’ll wait around.

i’ve been married to my husband for 10years, we have 1 child aged 4.5 years. although i love him and he loves me there is no desire to be passionate anymore. what can both do together that will help to rekindle our feelings?

Best Answer: Once the lust of new love starts to diminish, reality sets in, but that’s not a bad thing either. You and your husband have made it to 10 years, by today’s standards that’s a life time.

Passion, desire, lust, intimacy and everything else in a marriage needs to be worked at everyday, like a business you can’t just leave it and not work on it.

Remember what brought you together, start from the beginning again. Start going on dates, start taking and making plans for the future. Reintroduce romance and be more experimental, buy erotic books, toys or movies. Do things out of your comfort zones, not just in the bedroom. Go skydiving, bungee jumping, snorkling, camping, sleep under the open sky.

The family that plays together, stays together!

• you BOTH have to want a marriage to work in order for it to work …… just trying to be a good spouse but not taking care of your own needs harms the marriage by making you have no self confidence and no respect from your spouse.You have to find the common bonds you still have deep inside and have common goals and hope that this outweighs the hurt your spouse holds towards your marriage.My wife of ten years left me this week and I have thought before we would get divorced and I went out and started living like I was 24 again and low and behold she fell back in love with me ….
  she had our first son in July and has seperation anxiety from working and I just didn’t realize how bad and I have been so focused on bills that I forgot about her having a fullfilled life and then I tried to shock her back into loving me again and she got so scared she took my son 1000 miles away.Everyone’s situation is different.I wish I could offer a quick fix,but relationships are fickle and none are perfect.I think if you can get enough good to outweigh the bad in life that that is a good basis for justifying staying together.Takes alot of work,patience and forgiveness
• Most couples are the same as you, the fire on the early passion dwindles, but as you still love each other that is all you need to worry about.
• first of all get someone to look after your child…..then book a romantic break…..have a romantic meal…..massage each other…..dress up……just relax and enjoy
• go on a romantic vacation and talk about your feelings over a nice dinner and drinks.
• im not trying to be rude, but try having sex in your car in a full parking lot. do it at night &you gotta be real sneaky, and that’s where the team effort comes in. seriously this can rekindle some stuff that you guys lost. If you’re too scared to try this, then try taking some cooking classes together. the purpose of the cooking class is to bring you guys together to work past the challenge of preparing a recipe and then at the end you can enjoy it all.
• go for a jog and get fit
• You both need to plan a romantic get away just for the two of you…
  If that is not possible to get away, get rose petals and spread them all over your bedroom and bathroom, draw a bubble bath for two, get some wine cook a nice dinner his favorite foods, and put on a nice gown that won’t stay on long.

  also get some body massage oil to give one another a massage with, nothing more relaxing than this, I bet by the end of the night the passion will be rekindled between the two of you.

  also leave little love notes in your husband car, around where he will find them.. We tend to get into a rut when we are married for so long and think that we now need to date our partner any longer this is not true.. Plan dates with your hubby like you did prior to marriage and having a child..

  Getting married and having children does not mean that the passion must end.

  Best of Luck………

• I just finished my divorce after 7 years married and 10 years together. All I can say is find a sitter that can stay for a week, then take a vacation alone. Go some where that the two of you don’t know anyone. Then have fun with each other but most of all talk. Find those things that fist made you fall in love with each other. Once you get back get the book “The Five Love Languages” take time to read it together and find a sitter so that at lest once a month you can do a date night.

  Good Luck

  Bushido

• get a copy of
  Mars & Venus in the bedroom
  by John Grey
  and both read it
• go one like a vaction without the kids and have fun
• Try role playing. This would give you a since of adventure and let you and your husband have some sexual fun together.

  Also try not to turn your nose up, let him know that you are basically down for what ever. Remember if you won’t some other woman will : )

  This is a great way to rekindle a relationship/married that is on the rocks.

• I feel for you babe im in the same boat after 25 long years. I feel passionate all the time she doesnt.An amazing woman with a headache or stomach ache that lasts 365 days a year every year . Should be in the Guinness book of records

We’ve been through alot in only 2.5 years…hurricanes, family deaths, now I’m in Iraq. I’ve had a feeling that my wife and I were growing apart and just brought it up. She’s been feeling this way for some time now. We’re both changing but not together. What the hell do I do? Seems like the big “D” is right around the corner…we have no kids or anything so it would be a clean break as opposed to a messy one. Sadness would be our main consequence.

Best Answer: How about you just think of each other as friends for the moment? Given your circumstance you can’t do a lot to be super husband right now. Try reconnecting on the level you did when she just seemed like someone you wanted to spend some time with and wait out your deployment. When it’s over don’t come home with major expectations unless you have gotten to that place. Then figure out if your friendship is strong enough to rebuild your marriage on. If it is then you have the rest of your lives together. If you don’t then don’t worry about it and at least your friendship has been salvaged and you can divorce amicably.

• only divorce if you feel it is a chore just being with her
• If the both of you want to stay together, you both have to work hard at it & trust each other to make start making changes together, especially while your out there. Hopefully, she can stay with you till you get back from Iraq so you can work it out once you get home. Since your out there right now, this gives both of you a chance to be alone, away from each other to figure out what changes need to be made & to figure out what you both really want. If you both really love each other, then you will make it work. The key to a good marriage is communication, honesty, loyalty & having faith.
• The only reason the both of you feel that way is because you are miles away from her. It is not easy being married and in the Army at the same time.

  You have to choose one. Your 2 1/2 year marriage of the Army. Is she the one that you day dream about? Do you want her to be the mother of your children?

  Ask yourself some questions. Is the Army worth it? There are plenty other occupations that you are qualified rather than the Army.

  Think about it.

• war makes the marrages fail not other people, it,s not go to lose a marrage to save a friend ship. marrage has more in investing then jest a friendship but war kills a marrage,
• Well, you’re in Iraq right now. This is a trying time for both of you. I suggest that you wait until you come home and get reacquainted again before you decide on what to do.
• All I have to say is if you’re not happy together, then don’t be together. It will just insure a miserable life. If you can revive it, that’s cool too but don’t force it. Have a good day and hope this helps.
• i agree with arkiemom. now that you’re in iraq…not a good time to make a decision about marriage. i’m wondering if one or both of you is thinking of being with other people right now. on the other hand, i would NOT get her pregnant when and if you are back together. the last thing you want to is to bring a child into a bad situation. if you’ve only been married 2.5 years and some of that time has been out of country, you really don’t know each other enough to know whether you’ve really grown apart. i would come home post iraq, see how things are, make an effort to work it out. if it doesn’t work, at least you will rest assured that you gave it 100%.
• <<move back you jerk... id say end a war montage to save a marrage and a friendship... but it matters... after you get divorced from someone you cant really be frisnds with them - linkin_brandon973>>

  This is the correct answer.

• what would be the difference if you divorved your wife or stayed with her? all the marriage license does is show the other person that it’s not okay to sleep with other people.
  I’d say work through it. Of course you’re going to feel apart, you’re on the other side of the world. Maybe the sadness of being apart will bring you together.
• move back you jerk… id say end a war montage to save a marrage and a friendship… but it matters… after you get divorced from someone you cant really be frisnds with them
• I think your both being mature about it. There’s no since in hanging on when u both feel the same. No in this case i don’t think it’s wrong to end a marriage to save friendship. You will always have her in your heart. Friends will be there always be there for u, when your spouse isn’t.

  god bless you,& for your bravery so i can be safe & free here
  STAR

• I think maybe part of your situation deals with things you can’t control. Try to communicate with your wife and see what’s going on and where the marriage stands. In my opinion, i don’t think your situation is as worse as others. When me and my boyfriend were having problems, we did relationship exercises. We sat down and wrote down our dislikes. Then we discussed our dislikes without anyone getting mad at the other. After that was done, we then wrote down our likes. That was the fun part. If you really want your relationship to work, make sure she knows that. Ask her why she’s feeling the way she does. Seems like the only reason your changing is because you don’t like to see her that way. Try working things out before thinking about divorce.
• I would not make a decision until you return Under the circumstances you might not be thinking clearly. Take care and stay safe!
• Well! You sound like a pretty mature and caring person, my advice to you would be to sit down and talk this over with your wife that lets take separation, for a year, so that you can experience how sad and painful it is, to be away from each other, maybe you both need space, or a break, separation is healthy, gives you time to focus things, and think straight, don’t make any hasty decision that you might regret later on.
  Let me tell you, divorce is very painful, it will shatter you in pieces and you will be grieving for a long time, you will become sad and depress.
  Think of all the consequences before you take any decision.
  Most of the people will say “YES” and its very easy for them to say, because its not their lives, but I would certainly not suggest, divorce is not the solution to your problems.
  “IF” ever you need to talk, just holler, email me ivkun@yahoo.com
  You will be in my prayers, God bless you. Good Luck
• I guess friendship means your friendship with the ex. Don’t think you have much of a friendship after the divorce anyway.

  It is unfortunate that people become close when they deal with adversities together but grow apart when they are not together. It is common for military wife to put her own emotional needs/feelings — the abstract stuff — ahead of everything else. Not a whole lot you can do about her from a distance anyway — in fact, most men don’t know what to do with women who think they are emotionally distraught in the same house!! What you do must be actionable, and that is do your tour and come back alive. No point getting distracted.

• Try to save your marriage if at all possible. My best friend is my husband
• Isn’t marriage supposed to be for life? Until death do us part? for better or for worse? What happened to working on the marriage? Fix it!
• marriage is not easy, even for couples that get to see eachother everyday and dont have a lot of problems like yourself. Its hard hard work, especially the first 5 years. Work through it you love her you dedicated your life to her. just keep working at it, and try to grow together, as long as you both are willing to try it can work. good luck.
• You can try and grow together. Change or no change y’all married each b/c y’all love each other ( I hope). When you get home start from scratch with her.