How Do I Save My Marriage

I never cheated on my husband(had many opprtunity). Tried to be a good wife and be supportive.We had a kid together 4 yrs ago.He is really good looking & he acted like he’s too good for me.While finishing college and working fulltime I went to the gym and really kept my self up. Recently I found out that he cheated on me w/ some extra on set (he’s movie electrician).I wasn’t so suprised since he had mentioned to his friends about our sex life & that he wanted more. He’s the only man I’ve been w/ & I don’t have experience. I’ve got a good job & financially secure.I moved out into an apt. w/ my girl after his affair. I’m trying to get my life together. I’m concentrating on my girl.Anyway now my husband keeps calling me & begging me to come back saying he’ll never find anyone like me.He has broke it off w/that other girl.He wants to go to counseling w/ me. But I feel insecure w/ him now and feel like giving thi guy at work a chance.This guy is so smart , cute and really interested in me

Best Answer: Stay away from the husband and give the new guy a chance. You know that your husband is a cheater, and “Once a cheater, always a cheater!” You are a rare woman in the world today,… only had one man, and never cheated. You desreve a good, decent man in your life……..and sorry, but your husband is not it! Move on with your life. Give this guy a chance…..I think you’ll be pleasnatly surprised. Good Luck!

• Pray about things, then really spend some time thinking about your needs and values how will this affect your children? will you ever be able to trust him again?
• What is important to you? Your family or the chance of a new life? Do you feel in your heart that you want your marriage to work or want to move on? Try setting up a meeting with your ex and see if he had changed (or grown up). You will be able to tell within the first hour. But don’t rush anything. You don’t want to jump out of one problem into another. Good luck and take care of yourself and your child.
• Go for the new guy, chances are your husband will keep on cheating. He is probably just between lovers. Do you want to live with the distrust for the rest or your life? No matter what people say, the hurt never really goes away.
• Okay, so your husband cheated. He deserves to be forgiven this one time. If he does it again, leave him. You both made a commitment to one another; give your family one more chance. There’s everything to gain by doing so. I’m not condoning what he did; it was wrong. He’s human and makes mistakes – we all do. If he doesn’t learn from his mistake, then take the matter further, and get on with your life. I must also say that if you do choose to forgive him, then you really need to try to let it go. As easy as it is to say it, its 100 times harder to do. But always keep in mind…. your family is worth it! Good luck!!!!
• Okay. I’ll chime in. I’ve read all the other answers. I’m going to speak from the perspective of someone going through a divorce. In mine, there’s no infidelity … as far as I know. That said, infidelity or not, the issue that’s been pounded into my head by friends, family, therapists, counselors, lawyers, etc. has been this: What about the kids? There are only a few things that by law warrant an immediate divorce: insanity and abuse (drugs, alcohol, physical). All others get clumped as “irreconciable differences”. That’s for those who don’t have a solid reason like my situation.

  Anyway, the most important things to think about here is the kids and you. I’ll tell you now, there is no good divorce and there are no children that come out of one unscathed. They don’t necessarily show it outwardly, but the DEFINITELY internalize their pain. (Sorry. I don’t have the URL of the article I read for that.) Kids will literally have a “split personality” because they have to act a certain way in front of mom and differently in front of dad. That’s what screws them up. Not the actual divorce.

  As for the other dude, you should think long and hard why this guy is attractive to you. Is it because you seek companionship? Lonely? Why is this important? Because everyone will tell you the same thing nowadays, move on. But is that the answer? Only you can decide. If the office dude is a rebound and rebounds never work, you’re going to screw yourself up mentally more. Maybe so much, you may neglect your kid. In medicine, they always say that relapse is worse than the disease. The same is in relationships. You need to be patient. You’ll move on. Whether it’s with someone else or, heaven forbide it actually be against popular vote, you husband.

  Above all, there has to be a total committment on both your parts to the entire healing process. This process can take years because trust has been shaken. But if he faulters in the process, then you know where he stands. I’m not saying you MUST give him a chance. In the least, you need to both go to therapy where a trained third party can draw out the problem but help provide solutions to you as a person.

  Good luck!!

• Move on becuase things will never be the same if you get back together
• Not one woman here mentioned the daughter.
  How would you like your dad to have disappeared in your young life?
  If he goes to consoling, if he’s willing to make sure you know where he is, always, if he is really willing to work with you to make your marriage work and be the father he needs to be then I’d say work at getting back with him.
  I’d still keep the apt for a time, so you have a safe place to go to if needed, and a reminder for him.
  But I think you care about him. I wish he’d step up and be what you deserve. And who your daughter deserves.
• It’s hard to trust someone who you KNOW has abused your faith in the past. But sometimes people make mistakes, and only realize what they had when it’s gone. The big question is- do you still love your husband? If yes, I would give counseling a try. At this point you have nothing to lose and everything to gain back. Only you can know if your feelings have taken too hard a hit to recover.
• Screw your husband for get that loser see whats up with the new guy I bet he’s better in bed than your husband. See that’s were we go wrong thinking our first is good in bed. but we be so wrong get you a new piece. Let him see you with some one else let him beg he will cheat again he only came back to you because the other girl doesn’t want him. Tell him you don’t want him either it’s been one happiness is being without him don’t even except his calls. He’s on bull look how long it took for him to ask you back after he’s been laying up with you don’t know who. Do you really want him back if he loved and respected you he would have never cheated. and he want have a problem doing it again so love your self enough to move on.
• I can’t give you any good advice.
  all I can see is that you are honest when you give affection and you expect others to be the same.
  You husband has cheated you already and that is enough to poison a relationship because it can’t be forgotten.
  I hope the new guy is genuine, and not just pursuing you to get casual sex.
• For now, you are married. Going out with any other man is still cheating on the marriage that you are still in. Stay on your own – don’t go back to him yet. You need to go to a lot of counseling first. The biggest issue is trust….be sure you can get over what he did and let it go. If not, get out and move on! If he knows he will never find anyone like you, then why did he even bother trying to find someone better?
• MOVE ON LIFE IS TOO SHORT!!
• Why not take some time and go out with the guy from your office first. I think it will give you a better perspective of what you want to do down the line with your husband.
• The selfish answer would be, try dating this guy a bit to see what happens, and your husband will see how it feels. You have to decide who you want to be, and figure out if dating a guy casually will make it impossible to reconcile with your husband if you then want to.
• If you feel like you can ever respect him again, then try to work it out. If not good luck moving on.
• You have to ask yourself, what do you want in your own marriage? Yes the foundation has been cracked, but can it be fixed? I would say try counseling, nothing is easy in life you have to go threw storms and trial, before it gets better, yes he was very wrong in creepin with the next.. But can you forgive him? If he had killed someone could you? If he had robbed a bank could you? IN the same sense he has done this same thing to you and your marriage, he has killed the trust, and he has robbed you of your respect? But threw all of this we all our human we make mistakes, you truly have to keep in prayer with him to try to work out something to grow better in strenght.. I can’t tell you what to do but giving up is the easy way out….
• I think you should give you try and work it out not for the kid but for yourself. Think about when the to of you got married it was for good and bad and you are at a low point right now . Yes you can take care of yourself and you can find someone Else but will he make you laugh,smile ,touch you the way your husband did.Let him know if you get back with him he must tell you what he want out of the relationship it has to be more than sex cause he had sex with someone Else and it only made him happy for a time but he knew where home was an he want you. I hope you work it . I think he wanted attention from you now he has it good or bad he has your attention
• if ur going to feel uncomfortable around him all the time (& I wouldn’t blame u), u should move on
• He is your husband and you have a child with him. This other man may seem attractive to you right now because your husband hurt you and you need to feel attractive. Before you do anything. Go to the counseling. You will find your real answer there.

Before you judge me, please hear me out.

Long story short, I met a wonderful girl from Germany, and our relationship was magic. We did so many romantic things together, the sex was just about everyday, and she would always take time to dress up pretty every day and do her hair just for me–even wearing cute outfits from her wardrobe I picked out. Well, her visa expired, and she had to return to Germany. When she was there, she said she was afraid I was being like other men, and just saying I loved her but would soon go to another girl. To show my dedication and true love for her, I sold most of my belongings, moved to Germany with her, and married her.

Fast forward 18 months later. She walks around with her hair messed up, wearing dumpy clothes, and no longer wears any of her cute outfits I pick out–always saying “I look fat in it” or “I really don’t feel sexy.” She never wants to do anything romantic anymore cause she “doesn’t feel like it.” Her complaints about how unfair life is is endless. Our sex life is a joke–we haven’t had sex in 3 months. She always seems to have a headache, a stomach ache, on her period, not in the mood, etc. She won’t even let me in the bathroom when she is in the shower.

She gets outraged at the most trivial things, like forgetting to take the clothes out of the wash. The last screaming match we got into was because I accidentally burned the casserole–she told me I was useless and I could just pack up and go back to the states. Actually, she tells me to pack up quite often.

I do my best on my part to stay the same by still going to the gym every other day, dressing attractively, and remaining pleasant but it doesn’t matter to her.

Well, one day I was out, and this pretty girl gave me her phone number and told me she hung out at a certain club every Friday. What was shocking about it was the fact that I was actually tempted, and had to force myself to throw it away later. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I decided to try to make myself forget by doing something to make my wife happy–while she was out, I spent all afternoon cleaning the apartment.

When she came home, rather than thank me–she yelled at me cause I used the wrong detergent for mopping the floor, and pointed out how I missed the corners. She walked out saying “Useless…totally useless!”

That is when it occurred to me, this is EXACTLY how men end up cheating on their wives….but I don’t want to be one of them! Deep down, I still love my wife with all my heart, but I feel so unappreciated, and it seems like I married a totally different person.

Is there anyway to salvage this marriage? Please help!

Best Answer: Yes…. the urge to cheat is a very big symptom of BIG problems in the relationship. I was in the same boat, NEVER in a million years did I think that I would think about cheating on my husband. But I did end up falling for another man (didn’t physically cheat though). I felt very very unappreciated at home too. It’s very interesting how different your view on cheating becomes when you’re in this position isn’t it? And how wrong is it that if you HAD cheated she would have been the saint and you would have been the absolute b*stard scum of the earth. Anyway, I’m digressing, I just find it interesting on here how narrow minded people are when it comes to cheating. There are some situations where I could place the majority of the blame on the non cheating party!

She is really disrespecting you, and it’s because you are enabling her to do it. The only chance your marriage has is if you stop enabling her to get away with her behaviour. It is way too easy to take advantage of nice people (trust me… my husband took advantage of me for 10 yrs). I realised that it was partly my fault my husband took advantage of me, because I let him do it! Just refuse to do any floor cleaning if she is so fussy about what polish to use! Put your foot down! If you can’t put your foot down, you seriously need to think about leaving her and finding someone you’re more compatible with, who will appreciate you, and not take advantage of you. In fact, by what you said I really doubt that she is “in love’ with you. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life this way? Life is very short, remember that.

I am with the most wonderful man now. We both used to be with users and now we’ve found eachother. We are thankful for that ever day of our blissfully happy life

• I am sorry to hear you are being treated this way.She has something going on in her life and she needs to let you know what it is,Ask her straight up why she treats you this way and suggest marriage counseling,Best of luck to you.
• Go to www.fireproofmymarriage.com Buy the Love Dare book. “FireProof” is a movie that just came out this year. If it’s not playing at a theatre near you. Buy it off the internet,,it will save your marriage. Best of luck to you!
• Talk to her, tell her how you feel. Keep talking if she won’t listen. Maybe see a marriage conselour.
• i don’t think so, if she cared about you and she loved you she wont be acting different. She doesn’t want to be in the marriage anymore. She is over it. Just leave her alone, she wants you to come to states so do it. I don’t think there is a way to save this marriage
  Sorry .
• sweetie your wife is going through something and is to childish to communicate this feelings to you as her husband. dont continue to accept her verbal abuse another day you need to express to her your feelings on her behavior towards you, and how if things dont change that you will have to take her up on her offer to go back to the states. sounds like she is bipolar and or need to seek some professional counseling ASAP. you are not the problem per sa but she has problems and one is communicating effectively. GodBless
• TALK TO HER ABOUT THIS ALL.

  If she doesn’t change at all and get on the sex again, she probabily is sheating on you. So, divorce before do the cheating, be honest, show maturity. She will realize she is a looser and there are plenty of women waitting for this opportunity you are giving to her.

• I’m sorry to say man, but this situation is pretty much the definition of marriage. She feels like she has you now, so she no longer has to try. Now this is the real her. You can talk to her about how she is acting, but to save the marriage will require compromise from both of you. She might have to take care of herself a bit more than she may want to, and you may have to accept that she won’t be exactly as she was in the dating period. Good luck!
• You fell for it, hook, line and sinker……

  You have a few choices.
  1) Go with her to therapy and try to save the marriage.
  2) If she won’t go, go to therapy by yourself.
  3) Get with the next honey that gives you her number. Stay married.
  4) Get a divorce.

  Sounds like she has many issues. Insecurity mainly.

  There is a way to salvage the marriage. But it requires BOTH of you to work on it. If she decides she doesn’t want to, then it is over, no matter how you feel. A relationship takes two people. One person makes it a stalker.

• She is damn selfish and definitely doesn’t appreciate you, and all that you have sacrificed for her.
  You don’t say how long you were with her before you joined her in Germany? sounds more like a holiday romance??
  The culture is probably very different too?
  Maybe you need to go home for a bit and let her see the error of her ways.
  Absence making her miss and appreciate you?
  I just hope there aren’t kids yet?
  A really tough choice you have here.
  Either cut your losses and move on, or stay and hope things change.
  good luck!
• GOOD FOR YOU. we need more husbands like you around here.
  you love your wife. and wont cheat on her even though you have the chance.

  two options for you:
  write down your frustrations and your love for her in a letter and give it to her to read. like..if you leave for work before she wakes up, put the letter on your pillow so she will see it. Just leave her the letter and make sure you are not around when she reads it.

  Another thing you could possibly do is to just sit her down and talk. Couples need to be able to communicate. Tell her you’re concerned and don’t understand why she keeps pushing you away. Ask her if something is bothering her…etc. Tell her that you love her.

• I don’t think there is any way to save your marriage. This appears to be a very sad, hopeless situation. This girl (not mature woman) has made it very clear that she is very unhappy, not only with you but generally as a person. I would start wrapping things up and moving on, whether you stay there or go back to the U.S.

  And next time don’t throw away the other girl’s number. But be sure you clearly end the marriage first.

  PS it sounds to me like she is trying to get you to leave. And like others have said maybe she just wants you to pay her bills after the divorce. Not knowing the laws in Germany not sure how accurate that is.

• The only way to save this marriage is for both of you guys to want it to work. You need to ask her does she want a divorce, because this is what it sounds like. Ask her what you are doing that’s so wrong in her eyes..that she doesn’t want you touching her. Has she gained weight?Maybe she has gained weight and doesn’t feel good about herself. There are so many things that could be bothering her…talk to her not us
• dude ur in a boat with only one paddle in the middle of know where. ok so you love her allot. the question is does she really love you? did she marry you for any certain reason. could she be having an affair. i dont know what to tell you. just take her out talk to her try to not argue with her. but also doont let her take advantage of you. maybe she want to have a child.
• well if you divorced her would you have to pay all her bills?i don’t know how it is in germany,but sounds like she may have just married you for that reason.or you may just have to get you a hobby.ask her if she wants a divorce.heck i don’t dress up any more either.but thats because i just don’t look good in anything with all this weight.does she do this right around her period.?i know i go off right around mine.horomones can really make a person crazy.i would comit myself if it wasn’t just a week and a half that i’m like this.lol..maybe she expected you to marry her and take her back to the states.not stay in germany.
• I’m really sorry for this sad situation, and I totally understand why you would have been tempted.
  It doesn’t seem to matter what you do, she will always treat you like rubbish.
  Next time she tells you to pack up, you should, and never look back.
  You might love her, but the way she’s treating you is just wrong. Someone who loves you wouldn’t do that to you. There’s so many other women out there you could love, that will love you back and show you some respect.
• there’s nothing wrong with divorcing someone. it sounds like she’s got major depression issues

  Also, when you first start a relationship it is all beautiful and fun and its a blast. BUt, when the honeymoon is over… ie getting married… shits bound to change. Have you asked her what would make her happy? if nothing, take her advice and get out. You don’t need to be stressing your life over matters like this… in the long run, you’ll just end up getting depressed yourself…. she could be Bipolar

  Honestly, communication, if she’s telling you to get out… then, its time to move on. But, if you really wanna get help, suggest counselling

• Well in this case, it definitely takes two to tangle. Maybe when she came to the US when you were first dating she was using you as a way to get into the US, but then you moved yourself to Germany and she’s not happy ’cause she wanted out of the country. I think that it is really BIG of you for what you did to make it a marriage and how you sold your stuff to go with her back to her country. That is very rare in a man and good for you for Not cheating even though you were tempted you still didn’t act on it. That is REALLY GREAT on your part. I don’t know what is running through her head at this time in her life. It does seems suspicious though. If you can just sit down and talk to her calmly as possible and find out just how she does feel. Maybe she tells you to leave all the time, because down deep she feels like she doesn’t deserve you. All I can say is just talk to her, find out how she feels then you can decide for yourself if this is a marriage worth saving. Good Luck.
• There are a few blanks, there is no mystic cure or quick way about it. If you truly love her and would rather have no one else, then you will have to work hard, it will take a lot of mental stamina. If she has told you to leave not out of seriousness, but of spite or anger than there is a chance she to still loves you. It seems even if you try you’re hardest she criticizes you’re work. But this also may be in part do to how you present these forwards twords the rebuilding of one anothers intimacy. Or something in her life has changed, making her depressed, or to think that this once beautiful relationship is worthless. You will need to show her the same affection that you had in America. Also if you convince her to get a visa again (if possible) and can afford to come back to America things could be nice back the way they were nearly 2 years ago.
  Ask her if she misses America, and if this is any part in it. Best of luck to you if there is anything else that may help to lead to a solution for this problem, and you alright with me giving you some advice or just need someone to talk to Nafien08@Yahoo.com

I’ve been married to my husband for 1 1/2 years. We are seperated right now. He has emotionally abused me in the past, but through therapy I believe we might be able to make this marriage work. The problem is, I emailed my sister-in-law (his brother’s wife) with concerns about my husband. She is a school counselor and has always helped me in the past. That backfired on me big time.

So I emailed his brother, sister, and parents to let them know that we were temporarily seperated. His sister, sister-in-law (brother’s wife), and his mom all email me back with their opinions about me. They were HORRIBLE and wrote untrue things about me.

Now I believe I want to make this marriage work. I’m battling depression and it’s been a hard weekend for me and I’ve been going back and forth on if I want this to work, but I think I do. Anyways, how can I get back with him and ever face his family again? None of them have ever really accepted me anyways, but I’ve always been ok over there. Is there a way for me to ever feel comfortable with his family again?

Any advice would be appreciated!!

Best Answer: unfortunately as you found lout, family will always side with family
they will not admit that one of their own is a screw up, as it speaks about them as well, so even if thy know he is abusive, they will not admit it

so going back will never be the same, maybe in time they will over look the email and see you for who you are, but the again you might be a constant reminder of their families failure and thus never accept you

the real question is, do you see a change in him, if not then divorce as there is no sense putting a square peg in a round hole

• ignore the family ,ask him wat he really wants ,tell him he need to make a choice for now ,and ma by it will be better with his family in the future ,bud when he loves you he is staying with you ,because some times the road off love and marriage is Very ruff

  Sweet mildred sent me to help you

• ignore them, look, who really cares, whatever they said is only their opinion, it’s not gospel. work on your marriage and stop caring what they think. the mature person doesn’t seek approval from people they din’t chose to be in their life–in other words; in laws..
• Well, Once a abuser.. always a abuser. I have seen that case many of times. And even seen them go to help for there abuse by going to classes for violent attacks -abusers -etc. I mean sometimes they do help. But the fact he is being forced to go there makes him rebellious to really want help any. He goes because he has to.. not because he wants to OK? Personally On a note. You and him will have another episode of abuse towards you. Even if they say he is ok.. and tell you this will never happen again. This marriage you and him have will never work out. I guarantee you that. I mean I hate to tell people this. But darn it all. someone has to be honest out there in this world and tell the truth.

  And as far as his parents -family etc. Nope!! Big mistake. I found that out through 1st marriage. As they rebelled against me .. even though they knew darn well my wife was at fault. it is better to keep it between you and your husband. Not your mom and dad and family or his mom and dad and family. Just you and your husband. Sounds Like they never liked you for some reason in the get go. So that may be part of your marriage problem. As they are telling bad things about you behind your back. And he is paying attention to what they are saying.. and listening and believing there words. I wish you luck. But think your marriage is down the toilet.. OK?

• Ah, in laws, gotta love them to death! Just remember you didnt marry them so quit worrying about impressing them. None of us are ever good enough for our beloved in laws so they will always try to find a way to get rid of us. Also never ever tell any in law any troubles you are having in your marriage at all. Never ever ask advice from them either. Even if you just shot your husband and they ask how your marriage is going, you tell them eveything is just fine. I think you have just learned a very hard but very valuable lesson about in laws here and its really too late to be telling you all this so I apologize. But its you and your husbands marriage and really doesnt concern the rest so dont be afraid to them to butt out, as right now theyre the least of your worries. Also just dont bad mouth them to your husband after all they are his family and blood is thicker than love. Try to ignore all their loving compliments about you by taking them from their source. Now you probably see why there are so many songs about in laws out here. Just to let you know that in laws are probably the number 1 problem on Q&A with no justified ad legal wat to do away with them yet so you definitely are not alone here. Personally, when one says “I do” thein laws should be out lawed. Good luck
• Well, shame on them for saying these unkind thing to/about you! You did absolutely nothing against them, they all had no rite to say the things they said about you. IF you find you are having a difficult problem w/depression, please at least go to your family Dr. & have him/her put you on a depression medication. I’m on one myself, I KNOW they DO help, they do work. So for one thing, do NOT suffer needlessly w/this matter. It’s an easy one to take care of. They should be the ones who are embarrassed to face you, not you them! To say unkind words about anyone, is down rite disrespectful & cruel of them. They should feel the shame in what they said against you. I don’t know if you just want to leave things as they are, but if not, I would email them & tell them just how you feel, & how could they say such cruel things about you or anyone for that fact, plus how could they say things that are just plain untrue to begin with. You could say you felt they were better than this, had more common respect for others, & just do NOT understand their need to attack you when you are hurting to begin with. I’d let them know you tho’t so much better of them all than to hear the things they are relaying to you. You do NOT understand why the need to actually kick someone when they are down, you tho’t more highly of them that what they’ve in fact shown you. But, they should be the ones who feel like completele fools, not you. Make up your mind IF you do love our husband in spite of them, you’d be married to him, not to them. But at some point in time, I feel you should take the opportunity to say just how you feel regarding their total lact of disrespect twds. you. You also have the “freedom of speach” as much as they do. I DO wish you the very best…:)
• Your mistake was involving them and their mistake was getting involved….a marriage is between 2 people, the husband & wife….not the mothers and the fathers, the sisters/brothers & their wives/husbands, and Joe Schmoe down the street whose wife used to babysit him when he was a kid.

  You think you are gonna be uncomfortable? How are they gonna feel when you face them at future family gatherings knowing all the choice things they said to you, and wondering if you told your husband what they said.

  I say some family counseling…by a professional who doesn’t know you all from Adam.

Ok, my husband and I have been married for 6 months this Monday. We have been together for five years, July 14th of this year. Ever since we got married, it seems like our fights have gotten worse. I thought we had passed this phase in our relationship. I love my husband immensely. He is my first love. This is his third marriage. His ex wives both cheated on him which ultimately lead to the ending of those marriages. The problem is, my husband loves his beer. I have always known this, but it was under control to where he was only drinking one maybe two a night. Now I’m finding money missing and I suspect that he is lying to me about stopping off at bars on the way home. I really wouldn’t have a problem with this if he was the same man. But he isn’t. He isn’t the man I married. He isn’t the man that I fell in love with. I just don’t know what to say to him to get him to realize that I know he is hurting, but he is hurting me too. He doesn’t lay his hands on me, it’s just the things that he says sometimes. He always is sorry the next day, but it keeps happening. Like he can’t help it. Divorce isn’t an option. Please give me advice here…I’m not sure where to go from here. Thanks.

Best Answer: First of all, all those out there making fun….well it isn’t funny, so lay off!
Anyway, my mom is an alcoholic and has been for easily 50 years or more. Nothing has helped her…why? Because she doesn’t get the help because she won’t admit it. Until he admits he needs help, it won’t get better. I am wondering if something is bothering him that has driven him to drink and change…since you said he didn’t used to do this. You would know if he didn’t do this before, not us. Maybe he is afraid you will cheat because they did? I would definitely talk to him when he is sober, find a good quiet time to speak to him and see if you can get him to admit he is drinking too much and needs help to save his marriage. You must be calm. You could also go to AA meetings to get advice and support. Do you know any of his exes? Are they willing to talk to you to tell you why they divorced and cheated on him? This is the for better or worse part and yes, you should do what you need to so you can save your marriage. Don’t give up on him cause he needs help…and don’t let him hurt you physically if it ever comes to that. Be calm, talk to him, talk to his family, look for support when you go to make a plan on how to talk to to him. Don’t do any accusing, just tell him how you feel, but don’t get in an attack mode to offend him, this could upset him and he won’t talk. Tell him you love him and want to help him and the marriage. good luck

• The next time he wakes up sorry I would suggest that he goes to counseling with you. And that way the two of you can talk and lay it out the without arguing and possibly have him really see how this is affecting you. When you talk to him in counseling tell him everything be completely honest and don’t hold anything in.
• The first year of marriage was hard for me too but honestly I would recomend a marriage counselor but it kind of seems like your husband might not go. My husband wouldn’t ever go I don’t think but I heard from someone who does go that it is soo awesome and you can see things from their prospective that you would never have seen. Niether my husband or I drink so I can’t really relate, but I really hope your marriage gets better!!
• Your husband is an alcoholic. He needs help but unless he WANTS help, he isn’t going to get better. You have to set your limits and let him know firmly and clearly what they are. Then you have to stick with it. If you can’t handle his drinking and he won’t stop, you have to leave. End of story.
• He IS the man you married, you just refused to see it before you married him. Perhaps his other wives cheated because he was in love with his beer instead of with them. Why do you say divorce isn’t an option? Don’t you deserve better than this?

  Edit: and maybe one day pigs will fly

• It looks like you need to confront him and tell him exactly how you feel. I think he has low self esteem and needs a boost. Tell him how nice he looks…or what a great “catch” he is….remind him of why you fell in love with him and ask him where that guy is…that you miss “him”. Couples counseling is great too!
• If you buy a seedling, you have no right to complain after 5 years when you notice it is a tree (and you didn’t purchase a tree).
  Drinking every day is alcoholism, regardless of the amount consumed.
  You need to make better choices.
• lose the bozo wig for starters
• First, as long as there are no safety issues, I commend you for toughing it out. And I know, for better or worse. Well, when he is at his better stage, TALK to him. Tell him how you feel. Let him know that you are there, and will always be there for him. Let him know, that you are concerned about him, and what hurts him so much that he has to drink to drown it. You sound like you are there for the long haul, and after thirty one years here, I will say good job. But know this. If it EVERS comes to the point, that you are afraid of him. GET OUT!!!. Cause you cannot help him, if he don’t want the help.

  Good luck to you, and God bless.
  Lisa

• You can’t help him unless he will admit that he has a problem and THEN take action to do something about it.

  If he won’t go to counseling – both for alcohol abuse AND marriage counseling with you – then send him a message by going to counseling yourself. And attend AA meetings for families of alcoholics, which you’ll find out there if you look. Let him know that while HE may not be willing to do the things necessary to save your marriage, you are willing to do whatever it takes.

  Also, I find it interesting that you even mention that his ex-wives cheated on him. Maybe they weren’t really the problem, from what you’ve described here. Sounds more like when the going gets tough, this man turns to beer; no marriage can survive that, and it certainly is enough to make even the strongest woman look for another knight in shining armor.

  And the fact that you say divorce isn’t an option makes me question whether you really want things to change. If he isn’t willing to change, after so many obvious years of doing exactly what he wants to do (drink), then why WOULD you stay, unless you have your own co-dependency issues. Either way…seek counseling.

  Best wishes,
  BJ

• He can help it. Easiest way … go to AA, allow himself to be helped with his alcoholism. It takes a lot for an alcoholic to admit that they have no control over alcohol … and that in truth, alcohol controls them in every aspect of their lives. He is the same man … it is the alcohol that is the problem. Underneath that, he is still there. Urge him to seek help with a local AA faction. But realize, he may not be ready to do so and you may have to make a choice to either stay and wait it out to see if he will ever get his sh*t together or to leave until he DOES get his sh*t together. Either way, I wish you luck. It is a tough row to hoe, believe me I understand.

  >>> Jen sometimes ultimatums … and the balls to back them up … is what it takes to make someone see the harm they are doing to not only themselves (because a lot of times those with addictions tend to believe it is only themselves they are causing damage to, addiction being a selfish disease) but to everyone who cares for them. I know you don’t want to leave him … but sometimes leaving is the best option even if for a little while so he understands the ramifications of what he is doing. Google co-dependancy. It happens sooo frequently in situations like this and I think you are displaying many signs of it.