How Do I Save My Marriage

Our 4 yr old adopted son died 6 months ago from leukaemia.Watching him go through all the treatments and then losing him in the end almost killed us.After a big confrontation where he insisted I wasn’t dealing with it and needed help I walked out and have been staying with a friend for 6 weeks now.Things have been very strained ever since the death and I’m afraid me walking out was the final blow.Where do you go form here?Can my marriage be saved?

Best Answer: This is a terrible ordeal and the trauma feels unbearable. But if you really want to save your marriage, you are half way to doing so.

Communication is so vital. Have you considered counselling? Bereavement counselling can sometimes make a huge difference. Great if you go as a couple; worth it even if you go on your own.
I’m speculating a lot here about what may be going on within you, for all I have of you is your question. Sometimes we feel not understood, not appreciated, not cherished and not heard. At the very least, you may grow to feel accepted and heard and appreciated by your counsellor, and not so alone with your feelings.
Somehow, healing of your marriage will require each of you to listen to and fully understand the other. Well, actually, if you do so from your side and can really hang back from your own “I want”s, the time may well come when he listens to you too, AFTER he feels understood by you.
You are saying that in your husband’s mind you are not “dealing with it”, but we all grieve in different ways and at different paces. It could even be… i don’t know you but I know this of others… your emotions are stronger than his and you are simply not ready to “deal with” it, whatever that phrase really means to him. It could be that after the years of caring for your son you are feeling emotionally exhausted and simply need some “Isabella time”.

In the deepest sense, it really is true that “all you need is love, love is all you need.” But I mean love that is without conditions, not “I love you if”. Two books that you might want to consider to help you are “love is letting go of fear” (by Jampolsky) and “reconnecting the love energy”.

And one more thing. Do you believe in you? Some people in your kind of circumstances…… I know yours are unique, but you know what I mean as a generalisation……. particularly women, beleive themselves to be failures. You have cared for a child, and he has left this world. You have cared with a man, and you have left him. But there is a lifegiving truth: a project can be a failure, a person never is.

Incidentally, there are specific organisations for parents bereaved by the death of a child. You might want to google for one in your area.

If you like, please email me directly.

If you are in London or specially if near Harlington, you might value letting me know.

And whatever, I hope you get yourself the caring for you that you both need and deserve.

• my marriage did not survive the loss of my son…

  my husband was not dealing with it and was convinced I was not dealing with it and that I was sufering depression and needed medication……

  Years later I realised that he had laughed his way through life and because he could not laugh through the death of my son he figured it was my sadness that was bringing him down…. he was so out of touch with his own feelings he blamed my feelings for him not coping..

• Yes, a marriage can survive. My parents have survived the death of my brother for 7 years now. I think the key is to have two people who both understand that not one individual person handles grief in quite the same way. My mom was, for a long time, weepy and depressed, and searched out memories to which she could hold on. My dad, on the other hand, had basically one ‘breakdown’, cried, sobbed, yelled at God or whatever, then decided that’s all he was going to allow himself to do publicly.
  Both of them understand that the other just does things differently, and they have the courtesy, love, and support for one another to understand that fully. My mom’s an emotional person and my dad handles thing very scientifically. That’s just the way they are, but they respect the differences and offer understanding based on those differences. I hope this helps, and I am so very sorry for your loss. Many squeezy, healing hugs for you and your family.
• First of all, you shouldn’t have walked out on him you should have just admitted to your problems and sought a way to deal with it. I know it’s not easy loosing someone as close as your son but you need your marriage to be strong now more than ever. You and your husband both share a common pain and should be there for each other to comfort, love and understand each other in order to overcome this very sad and traumatizing ordeal. Love can heal a lot including the pain you both are going through now.
• It’s time for you to understand life in a much bigger way.The old way isn’t working for either of you. Take this pain and every part of your marriage and all your hopes and dreams you had with your son and offer it to God. Keep offering it until you have given it all. He will take it and show you what your new way is.
• I see a pattern of couples divorcing after a death or life crippling incident to a child. It is like they endure so much stress that it cannot be overcome. Sadly you kinda showed you weren’t dealing with it by walking out, when he needed you as much as I hope you needed him. Try talking it out, maybe there is something to salvage, if you want to. Good luck, sorry for your tragic loss.
• Maybe. It would depend on both of you. Maybe, if you have yourself together, try working on it. Maybe get some counciling. Seperately or together. It will probably take lots of work and how much you each have to give–how much you each want to work it out. There needs to be lots of communication and understanding. I think in this situation, you each will need to give about 80-90 percent.
  Good luck.
• I would think that would have brought you closer together. Don’t
  think I have no idea what your talking about because I lost a son
  to heart problems. I know it’s hard, that only made our family stronger.
• YES! You can save your marriage, but you must want to. Is it possible you really do need to talk to someone? Why was his suggestion that you need to talk to someone such a bad thing that you had to walk out? It sounds like your husband loves you and wants to help you deal with a very hard time in your life. Take his suggestion and his love and use them to begin the heeling process.

I am sitting on the couch looking for that next great Y!A question. How many of you wives would actually just get up put on those party shoes and leave the house without your “stick in the mud” next weekend and live it up a little more. This thought has crossed my mind more than once tonight.

Best Answer: I am in the same situation. Mine just sits on his computer. The only reason why he bought me my computer was for me to stay busy so he can be lazy all damn day long.

I am always saying.. I’m going to Vegas and even call up girlfriend but I can’t get a damn one of them to stop serving their husbands and wiping their husband butt for two seconds either and go with me.

I’m fed up with being a wife..I could be lazy all on my own without him!

• My husband is in the army…just got back from war working 8 days straight 22 hour days. He likes to be home…away from people…and just be able to relax. It is not uncommon for him to play W.O.W. or Call of Duty all day long and some times all night long. But he also makes time for me. Which is great because it gives us both a chance to have our alone time. Sometimes when I feel left out I watch him play his games and ask questions. My philisophy if you cant beat them…join them. If you cant join them…go down stairs and shut the power off for a few hours and act like the electricity went out.
• So break out of your shell of boredom. Go shopping and get some great new clothes, make-up, and a hair-cut. Then go your own way next week. Men are so competitive that I bet he starts wondering what the heck you are doing on your nights away….. Then you can offer to take him along.
• my husband has been married to TV for 43 yrs and they are very happy. I go and do what I want, but I have never cheated and will not. I always ask him if he will go too, he usually does, but if he does not I go without guilt. Good luck
• I have thought about that more than once.

  I have the same problem. My husband is so into video games and TV. He barely pays attention to me. If I did start hitting the clubs every weekend, I bet he would come around.

• Go ahead and try it. Maybe if he sees how much fun you are having he’ll get interested in getting up and going with you.
• Hey sweetie, those tv shows must be really really exciting.
• every couple needs time away from their significant other. go out and have fun with the girls. just make sure it ends at home with the hubby and you will be ok
• I’ll meet you at the club in 15 minutes.

It sounds kinda deep but sometimes a person might just want the marriage to work out well i.e. allowing AND SUPPORTING the other in whatever he does, having healthy joint discussions issues on kids, housing, etc , encouraging each other to pursue his/her interests and so on, BUT he/she may not love the other person or just disagrees with the other person’s way of handling things.

So, it is like, I respect you but I don’t love you.

Best Answer: why would anyone want to save the marriage if the relationship was platonic anyway; those are called friends….

• Yea, they call it the “green card” effect.

  It doesn’t have to be that way though. Everyone has good qualities. I could easily dislike many of the women I’ve been with, but I looked past their negative qualities and focused on their good qualities. Right now, I’m married to the most beautiful, intelligent, and wonderful woman in America.

• yea, its possible, but kind of sad. people stay in marriages for reasons like til the kids are older, fear of being alone, fear of never finding anyone else, like that. it could work if both are in agreement about this but usually one party still wants the relationship to be something like it used to be. so then it wouldnt work out too well. if kids are involved and the communication is good, living seperately at least for awhile might give both the freedom to figure out what they really want.
• There are people that do it, how good it is for either one is questionable. My husband was married to his ex for 20 some odd years. She was a mean,cruel alcohol that cheated on him endlessly. He stayed with her because of his love for his children and he knew they needed him to keep their lives good, which from what I see they really did, she eventually ran off with another man. I am so happy he is mine. You must have mutual love, admiration, honesty and respect if you don’t, than it is not a marriage. What you are describing is a friendship, it is important for your partner to be your friend, but it also important for your partner to make love to you too.
• yeah some people just stay married be it for the kids or religion or just because that is the way they were raised but you deserve better than that and you deserve to be with someone that is going to make you happy and love you unconditionally!!
• Sure that’s possible and actually happens more than we think. Some start out loving each other, others simply never really have. There is security in knowing you’re not alone. Children are being put first and the marriage is held up to provide for them a family and stability. Financial reasons. Who knows.
• yeah but if your in a loveless marriage what are you teaching the kids that it OK to settle and be with someone who doesn’t love you but respect you come on be for real when your in a marriage it about love comprise and trust and so on.
• No
• That is not a marriage, that’s a friendship.
• You can’t have a good marraige without a good relationship.

  This would only be a marraige of convience.

• I don’t think so.

  If you don’t save the relationship, what point is there in continuing the contractual obligation to one another?

  The marriage IS the relationship. If there’s no relationship there, it’s just a roommate that you sleep next to.

• Well I can’t imagine how you could stay married to someone & not have a relationship with them on one level or another.
  I believe you can have a relationship with someone & not have feelings of true love between you. For example you have a relationship with the people you work with, but you don’t necessarily LOVE them.

  Furthermore I don’t see how it could help you remaining in a loveless marriage. Don’t you want your children to see an example of a loving caring & nurturing environment in a marriage? You, & your husband are role models for your kids. Maybe it’s fine for you to be so self-sacrificing & noble by staying in a marriage without the intention of loving your partner, but is that the model you want for your children?

  You can teach your children to respect anybody such as a Police Officer, or a grocery clerk, but don’t you want your kids to know what it’s like to have a loving relationship?

• I think there are circumstances where two people can remain in a marriage without being in love with each other. There can be situations that can keep them together, because it is in their best interest, such as children, financial support, religion, companionship, etc. Both must understand and agree that this is the boundaries of their relationship. There must be a mutual respect and love for each other (not meaning “in love”) and both must make a commitment to making it work. My in-laws have made this work for 50 years. It didn’t start out that way, but for the last 30+ years, this has been their marriage. They are in their late 70’s and they are still together, supporting each other and their children and grandchildren but sleeping in separate beds. Sounds odd and it might not be the ideal marriage for most people but it can work.
• With out love and a relationship . there is no marriage !
• yes, it is possible, but most of the time it doesnt work out. but if u dont love her, but want to see the kids,etc., u should try being divorced but still see the kids, etc.

Obey the Bible by making divorce illegal and killing all of those who divorce or commit adultery. Like the Bible says:

If a man commits adultery with another man’s wife, both the man and the woman must be put to death. (Leviticus 20:10)

I mean surely if they’re so concerned about “saving the sanctity of marriage”, they’d know that divorce is the biggest threat to marriage. Yes, even bigger than allowing gays to marry! It’s not like the knowing that gays can marry will suddenly want to make every straight couple get divorced and every family in America will fall appart just before the Universe implodes during the raining balls of fire (like it did when Canada granted equal rights to its citizens….. oh wait, nothing like that actually happened)

Come on guys! Lets obey the Bible! I’ll get my pitchfork and kill my neighbor for cheating on her 3rd husband.

So, if their main concern really is the sanctity of marriage, then why aren’t they rallying to make divorce illegal?

Best Answer: Marriage will have sanctity when the churches make it available to everyone who wants to get married.
The churches will have sanctity when they learn to love, not hate. I’m waiting…

• CHRISTIAN FOR PRESIDENT!!!!
• Yeah, that’s always smart, follow the example of christian wannabes by spouting off Old Testament laws for Jewish Rabbis. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
• don’t forget we have to get rid of anyone who has ever touched a football. that whole touching the skin of a pig thing… oh and anyone who wears mixed fabrics…oh and anyone who eats shellfish… oh and any man who has ever cut the hair at his temples… oh and any man who has used a toilet also used by a menstruating woman…sigh, the work of the lord is never done
• don’t you worry Christian… times they are a-changin’… eventually… no one will give a damn…
• Here are my ideas for saving the sanctity of marriage:

  1. Getting men to do dishes
  2. Getting women to stop nagging
  3. Drink A LOT

  I’m sorry, I misspoke – these three things would sanctify MY marriage

• Christians, can’t live with them can’t throw them to the lions any more.
• yeah it’s real funny how some Christians like to pick and choose what verses they will follow to suit their own needs. And then make excuses like you have to read it “spiritually” not literally…
• your quoting Laviticus?!
  what a sick dude that was, yeah, thats someone you should go around quoting…
• While we’re at it, Leviticus gives us rules on taking slaves from neighboring countries. I’m thinking a Canadian houseboy would be nice.
• Well I think anyone should be able to marry who they want.
  I don’t really see what if matters and if it’s wrong then God can deal with it latter if he feels so strongly about it.
  I don’t think he does though, I’m sure they had gays back then since it’s supposed to be in the bible.

  I don’t see you as any more then anyone else if you’re married. Just another person.

  You’re Ok Christian

• Didn’t you know, the Bible is a pick and choose sort of thing. Like we’re all sinners, but being gay is the ultimate sin. Anyway, I’m on the ban divorce train with you. It at least makes more sense than blaming us for destroying marriages.
• I live in Canada. We have legal gay marriage. Last summer I went to the wedding for a woman I went to school with. She married another woman. It was a lovely wedding.

  This summer my MP (that’s Member of Parliament = to a Congressman) married his boyfriend. Two former prime ministers, five ex-cabinet ministers and a former Premier and Ambassador attended the wedding.

  The sky hasn’t fallen in, the world hasn’t come to a screeching halt.

• I still think it’s a better idea to set them on fire and throw them all off a bridge.

  Either that or ignore them and after they all go away, throw a big “After the Rapture now that the Jesusfreaks are gone let’s” Party.

my husband and i been married for a year now he cheated on me it hurts very badly what hurt the most is that the woman he had an affair with knew he was married i know that i shouldn’t blame her i husband had something to do with it also if we got a divorce what are the chances that this relationship will last

Best Answer: You’re rite in the fact it was a 50/50 deal on both their parts. He knew what he was doing when he did it. He broke your trust & respect for doing it. Of course it hurts, I know too well as I’ve been there. You can forgive, but you never forget. Are you sure you still love him? This is a very hard thing to overcome & you’ll always have the feeling of mistrust w/him. IF you’re going to stay w/him, he’ll have to prove himself to you. He went against your marriage vowels. He disrespected you & your love for him. If you fell you can no longer trust or respect him, I would have a talk w/him & tell him just how you feel. Don’t waste yrs. w/someone you no longer love. You CAN find happiness again, you can find someone who w/love & respect you. Talk it over & see what you feel would be best for YOU. I DO wish you the very best…:)

• The first step to getting through this is to know how you feel and where you stand within yourself, your first statement about not wanting a divorce is a strong one considering what you are going through. The next step is to work out how your husband feels, is he sorry? is he wanting to fix his mistakes? my husband and I have been married for 2 yrs and the key to our happiness is communication no matter how much it hurts sometimes you just have to talk about the things that are wrong in your relationship in order to know what to do about it. Talk to him but take your time you will most likely have many late nights and sleepless nights at that, believe me love can work through this. find out what he wants to do and the power then is in your hands.
• To be honest with you, most people who suggest for you to walk away are single or have not been cheated on before.

  i am not in anyway condoning what he did and it’s his fault, not hers (she is not married to you, he is), and I’m glad you know that it’s his fault. The other part is that it is too early to be cheating in a marriage, and that does not look good. To me, it does look like the relationship will not last, but then there could be a sign of individuality being challenged.

  I would suggest you get some counseling with him on how to deal with that.

• Dear heartbroken, My heart goes out to you and I am sorry for the pain that you feel. Only you can decide if your marriage is going to last. Is your husband truly sorry and do you believe he will not do it again? If so then he will do anything to make you happy and your marriage work since he was the dog that was unfaithful and disrespectful to you and your marriage. If he is sorry then he will take responsibility for his actions and his actions from here on out will speak for them self. I am not proud of this but I was at a employment Christmas Party and had to much to drink and things happen that shouldn’t of. The guilt was more then I can handle and I told my wife. I felt terrible and I did anything I could to save my marriage but my actions had to speak for them self and trust had to be built over a long period of time. Not my time but her’s. Was he honest and did he tell you or did you find out. It’s really two different issues. The cheating on you and then the honesty of telling you. Divorce is hell but you can do it with family, friends, and for me God. I wish you the best and will keep you in my prayers.
• It will take time, counseling and full commitment on the part of both of you to make this work. It can be done but I don’t recommend trying to go it alone. You need a neutral third party (counselor) to help the two of you work through it all. And, again, you will both need to be fully committed to working this through. He must be willing to understand and not try to minimize what you’re feeling and you’ll have to get to a point of forgiveness and trust him again. It wil be difficult, but it can be done.
• if you both get into a bible based church and remain commited it has a very good chance of survival, remember God hates divorce He also hates adultery, so He is on your side, be on His side.
  Also that girl is partly to blame, your husband and her.
  a girl wanted my husband to leave me and our baby many years ago to live with her, but he din’t. your husband din’t cheat all by himself.
• This is hard to get over. I have tried many times (was cheated on by both my ex husbands) and its just such a deep, scarring pain….one that most cannot forgive.
  It seems that some women today consider it a challenge to “win” or “get” a married man. Its so disgusting that these “women” need to do these things to make them feel better about themselves.
  First you need to know it has nothing to do with you. You could be perfect, and he would still cheat if he really wanted to.
  I suggest counceling, this may be the only way to get over it and heal. However as far as continuing the relationship, I would make sure that he gets counceling as well. Its rare that cheaters only cheat once, despite what they promise or say….
• If all the men who cheat are divorced from their wives, the big pool of available men for marriage would be about formed by ex cheaters. Besides cheating, if he is a good husband, manage your differences so you can reconcile with your husband. Why would you leave him for someone else benefits? and do you know who you are going to meet and fall in love with, maybe an ex cheater thrown out?
• I wish the best for you. You need to blame your husband not the woman. Your husband is the one that made the commitment to you, not her. But shame on her for being with a married man. Trust and believe if he cheats on his wife he will surley cheat in that relationship as well. That relationship will surley fail since both have no respect for a relationship
• Hate to tell you, he probably lied to her to get with her. Men show you how they feel about you not tell you. If he is sincere about making it up, he will, if doesn’t care, it will show. If he acts like he doesn’t care, he doesn’t and he is still looking to do better.

  You deserve a good partner and I am sure have plenty to offer the right person that will appreciate it.

• Why would you want to stay with a man that didn’t have enough love and respect to stay away from her? If you want to save your marriage then forgive and forget but don’t stay with him because your dependent on him. You should show him that you don’t need him.
• You might as well let her have him. It’s early, just get out before you have kids with this loser and he does it again. That will TOTALLY hurt you after you’ve had his babies. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
• ditto to Prego with a little Princess. move on. it is not meant to be. Sex does not equal love. Someone else will appreciate YOU for who YOU are. Leave.
• I wouldn’t even try to work it out
  unless………
  you put an ultimatum
  make your rules
  if he loves you he will try and make things work
• Why women think they need to stay with a cheater is something I will never understand.