Salam, i got married a few months back. Before marriage although i was a strong believer in allah i did a few wrong things which is against islam. But i realised my mistake and im back to my religion now, i have also done tauba for all my wrong actions. When i got married to my husband i told him all about my past but he said that he is ok with it as i have realised my mistakes and repented for my sins.But within a few days he started abusing me for what i have done in my past. Even though i dont do any mistakes he finds fault in me. He has even started hitting me, he makes life hell for me everyday and tells that there is more which is hidden from him about me but there is nothing. I dont do anything wrong but still he accuses me.I am wondering if Allah is still angry with me and punishing me through my husband? Hasnt he forgiven me for my sins? what do i do so that allah forgives me. i love my husband a lot but my life has become so unbearable that i just think about dying. can someo
- There is no connection between your husband’s act and Islam, it’s good to be honest, but men’s jealousy is unlimited, so when you told him about your past life, he just can’t clear it from his mind, and if he beets you, he must have serious problem, because healthy mind people don’t do that, he must get help. After all God forgives us, but it’s hard for people to forgive each other.
- Salam. i seen your question in R&S. glad you asked it here tho. that place is scary
anyways. i seriously think you should leave him or tell someone. he has NO right to abuse you. and ESPECIALLY something you can’t change.
O yea, and tell him to show you one place where he has the right to do this. where in islam does it show this?
and don’t forget that this life is a test. inshallah you will pass it 
Salam
- i’m sorry for your situation. i don’t think you did anything wrong. perhaps unwise but not wrong. i believe you should leave this relationship before you get seriously hurt, pregnant or killed.
i don’t believe there is ever ANY justification for hitting a woman.
i’ll pray for you. don’t give up!
- Assalaamu alaikum Sister,
I pray that your situation improves. What your husband is doing is wrong. He should never hit you. Also, he should leave the past in the past. I really don’t know what advice to give to you. Sorry. 
If you need or want more advice from Muslim Sisters, you can join the sisters only forum at sisters.islamway.com.
- I think you should leave. He hit you!!! Do you have sex? Do that feel like rape? If you can’t find happiness at home, get a new home. LEAVE !!!! It’s going to get worse.
- Leave him now!
Don’t waste your life with someone who’s going to treat you like that. Otherwise you may end up regretting that you stayed with him. You can do better!
- Well who told u to tell him about ur past ! if u have commited sins be4 in ur life it was inbetween u and Allah ! and u shared it with ur husband !! big big mistake ! i dont see this ending any soon ! sorry
- Assalamualaikum Sister,,
You did a very big mistake trusting your husband.. never confess sins to anybody except Allah SBT,..
Men by nature are arrogant.. They cant hear anything.. about the wife.. doing.. mistakes.. and they cant digest it.. coz thats their nature.. you ask your husband not say you anything..
You should tell .. him.. I told you my past coz.. you are my Husband.. and thought you would understand.. and now when you know the truth . you curse.. and break my trust..
You should use the example of reverts..
MESSAGE to All Muslim and Muslimahs..
Thats the main the thing.. . if you did any wrong in the past thats between Allah SBT.. and You.. If you confess Allah SBT whole heartedly.. and never repeat it..so Allah SBT.. will inshallah forgive.. you dont have to confess anything to anybody about your past.. Coz when you reveal your mistakes to someone.. you are making witnesses.. if you would have not told it would have been between you and Allah SBT..
Narrated Safwan bin Muhriz: A man asked Ibn ‘Umar, “What did you hear Allah’s Apostle saying regarding An-Najwa (secret talk between Allah and His believing worshipper on the Day of Judgment)?” He said, “(The Prophet said), “One of you will come close to his Lord till He will shelter him in His screen and say: Did you commit such-and-such sin? He will say, ‘Yes.’ Then Allah will say: Did you commit such and such sin? He will say, ‘Yes.’ So Allah will make him confess (all his sins) and He will say, ‘I screened them (your sins) for you in the world, and today I forgive them for you.”‘ (Book #73, Hadith #96)
This is what women are too emotional(strong and weak both at the same time)… .. Dont get me wrong.sister..
- salaam sister
i also told my husband about my past, and he told me about his, but none of us uses this to hurt the other. we’ve done pretty bad stuff but it’s not used as a weapon by any one of us.
if you have done sincere tawbah (and Allah alone knows your heart and your intentions, and audhubillah i’m not doubting your ikhlas) then do not worry that Allah has not accepted it becoz Allah accepts all sincere tawbah and He really is ghafurur rahiim.
this life is only a test, and Allah sometimes makes other people a test for us (this is true for husband and wives, parents and kids, etc). it’s not necessarily bad, and i would advise you to increase your ibadah, to especially wake up for tahajjud at night, read more qur’an, etc.
be patient sister, and plz do not let shaitaan mess with your imaan and your certitude. this is only a test, and inshallah you’ll come out of it stronger in your imaan. just stick to patience.
may Allah forgive me and you, and all the muslims and grant us comfort in both worlds.
- tawbah is between you and god , you shouldn’t have told him of your past mistakes .
you should make it clear to him that you don’t accept such treatment from him , either he leaves you or treat you well .
remind him of the Islamic rules of how should the man treat his wife , remind him that the prophet’s last well was about taking care of women .
if you can talk with someone from his family , father , brother and someone from your family , to take with him about this issue .
but mostly its up to you to prevent him from doing that .
Islam is in your side and if he is a true Muslim he should not treat you the way he do.so you should be strong in front of him because you told him and he didn’t say anything , beside as i said this is only between you and god.
may god help you and guide your husband to the right way.
- First of all it was a mistake to tell him about your past sins. According to Islam, after you have repented it should have stayed between you and Allah. Specially if it was before you got married and you have changed your life now.
Try to speak with him and remind him that its not his right to criticize you. Only Allah can judge people. If your husband doesn’t forgive you then how he wants Allah to forgive him. Allah and Prophet ordered men to treat woman well and remind him that…he is committing a sin by judging you and abusing you. If it will not stop then you have a right to get a divorce and next time don’t disclose your past sins to anyone.
- you made the biggest mistake telling ur husband about your past. some men just can not take it. my dad used to do that. telling all the things happened in past. and fights used to start. i lived a bad childhood because of this. at the end they got divorced .all happy now! both are more happier. you need to get divorce before its too late before having children . or he wont just effect you and also your children. get divorce! he has no right to hit you n abuse you. you can not love him. !
- No, Allah is not punishing you through your husband.
you are an honest woman and believe there should be no secrets between spouses, and so you exposed your vulnerabilities to him.
There’s a kind of men that will take your vulnerability and use it against you. They have nothing to do with God or Allah, they are more like hyenas that swarm a wounded animal. They are abusers.
A loving man would appreciate when you tell him that you are vulnerable, as he will feel like you trust him, and so he will trust you in return and love you more, and help you become stronger and win over your weaknesses.
But an abusive man will use your weaknesses to make you unhappy and to use you to his advantage.
For example if you told an abusive man that you thought you were gaining weight and felt self-conscious about it (i am using a western world example here) instead of helping you control your weight or boosting your self-esteem, he would instead try to put you down and tell you that you are fat, and tell you that he is disgusted.
Talk to your mullah, I know for a fact that Islam does not condone violence against a wife.
I can’t find it right now, but i came across an article where a well-known islam cleric have stated it is never appropriate to hit a woman, except if she puts children in danger.
Do your parents live nearby? try living with them for a few weeks and see if you can get your marriage annulled or something. It all depends on where you are right now.
If you are in the united states, you can call police and they will give your husband a very good lesson that he cannot be hitting you. I hope this helps
PS: do not hurt yourself, in most religions suicide is one of the worst thing you can do
- Based on the Islamic teachings I received, my religious teachers told me that it is not encouraged for a wife to reveal her past sins before marriage to her husband as it is feared it will disrupt the marriage. But I know it’s too late for me to advise you this.
What you husband is doing is wrong. Now he is the sinner instead of you. Regardless of how many sins you have committed it is between you and Allah, he has nothing to do with it. His main duty as a husband is to guide you to be a better muslimah and help you to be a better person and a good wife. Instead, he uses your past sins against you and abuse you which is totally against the teachings of Allah and His Messenger. The Holy Prophet himself said the best Muslim is the one who kindest to his wife.
My only advice is talk to imams, family elders or anybody that your husband has great respect and have them to talk to and advise you husband. He also may have other personal problems that your honesty came at the wrong time. In the mean time, just be patient and just take this as a test from Allah in order to clean up your sins or to make you a better Muslimah in the eyes of Allah. Also pray to Allah everyday, that your husband will change his attitude and soften his heart.
Divorce (I pray it won’t reach to this stage) is the last resort and should only be used after anything else fails. But if his abuse become worse and you fear it may harm you physically and emotionally, you may initiate one as you husband is deemed as fail to discharge his responsibilities to take care of you. However, depending in what country you are, it might be a difficult process esp for wife to file for divorce.
- look. i dont think you should push for i divorce. i think you should talk to your husband and try and work it out. your husband could be going through a stressful time, no? ask him why he is so mad? if he still stays that way then talk to his elders and try and get them to talk sense to him
you have asked Allah for forgiveness and your husband is responsible for his own actions. dont think in a fatalistic way.
divorce isnt a small thing, its a huge step, it shouldn’t be thrown around so thoughtlessly as it is nowadays.
- Try to bear it, and keep on loving your husband, this situation will take some time, and prove by your behaviour in future that you are totally pure now, it may take some years, like 2 or 3, and your husband to accept the truth, that you told him.
Only Allah swt. is such a great, who forgives us as soon as we repent. but human beings are incomplete, May Allah swt. help you, and bless you consistency in such situation.
Edit
try to solve this problem within you 2, don’t involve anybody else, as your husband will forget it after some time but other relatives will never forget and the story will pass to your children in future and in the future of them as well.
This situation, as you have told him by yourself, is better than the what,if he listen it from somebody else.
- Salam, Sister.
I am Christian but I know Islam and have many Muslim friends.
MEN are the same around the globe no matter if they call the Name of Allah, Jehovah, Christ or G-D. We serve the God of Abraham.
MEN are disrespectful and abusive to those who love them because they can be bullies behind closed door.
They are insecure little boys who lie to marry you
and then abuse you to make you feel small enough
to falsely believe you NEED them. You need ALLAH
and Allah alone. HIS support would be nice, but
he would rather talk to and treat you like a dog.
MEN are humans with many faults.
HIS faults are not your faults.
Judgement comes from Allah,
not your bigoted lying rude ignorant beloved.
Salam, Sister.
Stop beating yourself. He’s doing enough for the both of you.
Do not give up. Just pray to Allah and ask HIM to forgive you, knowing He already has.
- The beating is suppose to be done with a toothbrush or something like that. It stings, but doesn’t really hurt the person. Only as a final option and only when the women is going against islam.
I haven’t been married, so i’m not one to really answer.
I wouldn’t be thinking of divorce, but i’d separate asap. Seems like the marriage right now isn’t good for you, doesn’t really matter how much you want it be good, it just isn’t.
Need to think about yourself right now.
- I’m so sorry sister. I am sure that this is not Allah swt punishing you… He is ar-Rahman, ar-Rahim and loves those who repent.
As for advice, I can only tell you that I would leave him. Hitting and abusing a woman is unacceptable and he does not appear to show any remorse or even acknowledge what he is doing is very very wrong. If he is being abusive towards you in any way then get out of the situation.
I agree with what some people have said, that divorce is not ideal… BUT if you are being abused and made to feel suicidal, then what other option do you have? You cannot just stay feeling suicidal just for the sake of not getting a divorce.
Make du’aa and Insha’Allah you will find the strength to get out of this situation.
- Salam
You have made a Mistake to tell your Sins ,
Allah is Sattar Ul Ayub , he secures every ones Secrets and He is Also Ghaffar Uz Zanoob , he Forgives our Sins , so diont think Allah is Angry with you and He is Punishing you by your Husbend ,
Its the Difference between Islam and Christanity , they Confess their Sins in the Church to the Preist and he give them indulgence letter means that they ar firgiven ,
But Islam tells us to Confess to Allah Only make your Duas only to Allah ,
Allah tells us to hide our Sins from people , Only Allah knows everything and our Intension , no one humen being is perfect , your Husbend may have more sinfull life then you ,
If you want to live with your Husbend then you have to compromise and make Sabr , and I am Sure that every thing can be changed by better managment and care , so you have to care for your Husbend, and may one day he realize that he is wrong ,
donot think of dying that its also a Sin
and Make Duas to Allah for his Blessings.
May Allah Bless you With a Peacfull Life
- i answered your qn in the R&S section, but i just want to add.
divorce has become a complete no-go area and a mark of shame in muslim communities today. and this is NOT right.
yes, divorces are makruh and it’s better if they didn’t happen. but when there’s a need for it, the option is there and should be taken.
i was listening to an islamic radio station* about how even the great sahabi (e.g. umar r.a.) had divorces and more than one divorce if i remember correctly, and even the Prophet (pbuh) was close to divorcing at one time. and his adopted son had a divorce.
do your best with your marriage, and if it doesn’t work out, there is a way out.
- Salam,
You have been forgiven by Allah but apparantly not by your husband.
I have bad news for you. He will not get better. Expect the worst to come out in him. Love is blind. You must get out of that marriage before it costs you your life.
Perhaps you have learned your lesson…it is better to not disclose everything. The past is the past. You have instilled an evil worm that continues to grow in your husbands mind.
In the name of Islam and all that is good I pray for you and pray that you get out of that destructive relationship as quickly as possible. Your husband has many tauba to do for treating you so badly. It seems as though he has forgotten the teachings of Islam.
I pray that you do not have any children at this stage. I also pray that you will find someone loving and caring that you can have children with.
Allah has forgiven you…do not speak of the past again. It no longer exists.
Now…go find a good divorce lawyer so that you can start life anew.
Allah is with you.
Salam.
- The first mistake made was you telling your husband about your past, In Islam it is not necessary for you to tell your husband/wife about your past, that is between you and Allah. Maybe it’s been adviced for muslims to do so for this very same reason which you are finding very difficult to deal with. I do understand that you wanted to be open and honest with your husband about your past as you want to have a fresh start in life with him. Men have alot of pride in them, you have to be very carful as many things can hurt/bother them quicker than you think. What you have told him plays on his mind and is finding it hard to accept. You really have to both sit down and talk about it… The only way to save your marriage is to talk and try to understand one another (talking from experience). It’s early days you have only been married a few months and sometimes it can take people upto years to understand one another. Its said that the first year of marriage is the hardest so please dont give up on each other. You need to talk opening and clamly about it, It seems to me he isnt satisfied that you have told him 100%, why dont you ask him to question you on anything that is bothering him? Just be patient InshaAllah maybe this is a test from Allah, dont let the shaitan win by you guys even thinking about ending a marriage that hasnt even started yet!
- AoA,
Many answerers have said that you made a mistake telling your husband your past “sins”. I would disagree to this. To be completely open or completely shut about your past are both extreme policies. What to tell and how much to tell depends on how well the spouse receives it. The reception was not well, as you say, but what is done is done.
My advice now is, do not swing to the other extreme. He will then start guessing for things that do not exist. Be guarded in your conversations but do not completely shut up either.
As for sorting out this mess, there are stepwise measures that you can take.
First try to talk to him and make him understand. This is plain common sense.
Second (if the first one doesn’t work), show him that his action has saddened you. Try not talking or minimal talking to him. Try tears. This is also from common sense.
Third (if the first two don’t work), deny him intercourse. Don’t say that you have a headache or what, but make it clear to him that this is a reaction to get him to understand that what he is doing is wrong. This is taken from holy Quran but the roles are reversed here.
Fourth (if the above three don’t work), get two persons involved, one from your side and one from his. They should discuss the matter between themselves after consulting the party they represent. Take care that when the two councillors are discussing matters, both you and your husband must not intervene. You can however, agree to disagree with the decision later. This is also taken from holy Quran.
Fifth (if the above four don’t work) then ask for a period of separation, not Talaq/divorce, but a separation of the husband and wife so that each party can consider the matter fully and deliberately without ruffling each other’s feathers. Usually a month should do. Go to your parents or relatives for the duration. This is also taken from holy Quran.
Sixth (if the above five don’t work), then ask for the first Talaq, the first stage of divorce. If the husband does not agree to it, go to authorities to get it. There is a period of about one month after it, again so the parties can deliberate. However, the couple can live together in this period. This is taken from the holy Quran.
Seventh (if the above six don’t work) ask for the second Talaq or second stage of divorce. Again, if the husband disagrees, you can go to authorities. Then wait at least one month again. However, the couple can still live together in this period. This is also taken from Quran.
Eight and last (if none of above works) ask for the third and last Talaq and you are separated/divorced. There is a compulsory 4 and 1/2 month wait after it before you can re-marry someone else, if you wish. This is also based on holy Quran.
However, in 99 per cent cases, going the whole way would not be needed.
- Most countries have laws to protect people from abuse, however, in Islam, the Muslim husband does not have to explain to anyone why he beats his wife.
This video clarifies the Islamic perspective on “correcting” a wife
http://youtube.com/watch?v=0nUI3TUdFCk&f…
“Narrated Umar ibn al-Khattab: The Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) said: A man will not be asked as to why he beat his wife.” [Muslim 11:2142]
Muhammad went as far as to say women should prostrate in front of their husbands:
“If I were to command anyone to make prostration before another I would command women to prostrate themselves before their husbands, because of the special right over them given to husbands by Allah.” [11]
And –
Hadi Sabzevari, an eminent Muslim scholar, in his commentary on another grand Muslim thinker, Sadr al-Mote’alihin wrote:
That Sadr ad-Deen Shirazi classifies women as animals is a delicate allusion to the fact that women, due to the deficiency in their intelligence and understanding of intricacies, and due to their fondness of the adornments of the world, are truly and justly among the mute animals [al-haywanti al-sa^mita]. They have the nature of beasts [ad-dawwa^b], but they have been given the disguise of human beings so that men would not be loath to talk to them and be compelled to have sexual intercourse with them. That is why our immaculate Law [shar'ina al-mutahhar] takes men’s side and gives them superiority in most matters, including divorce, “nushuz,” etc. [14]
These scholars did not made these derogatory remarks about women without knowledge. They were interpreting the sayings of Muhammad whom to them was the best messenger of God and an example to follow. The reference to the inferiority of woman and their deficiency in intelligence and religion is abounding in the Hadith and the Quran.
EDIT: Wow, a thumbs down – I’m Christian and I am quoting from a Muslim site and bits from the Quran! If you don’t agree with what I say, then tell me where I am mistaken, please.
Wow, even more thumbs down – is it because people dispute what I have quoted? Or is it because I believe, and all civilized people believe, that no one should commit an act of violence against another – especially a person they love, such as a wife.
- Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim
Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah
First, sister, you should NOT have told your now husband about what you did before you married him. You should cover your sins and Allah will cover them for you on the Day of Judgment. But, since you did tell him, it is now too late to go back.
I have to say that if it were me, I would abandon the marriage and get a divorce quickly, and do so before you get pregnant, Allah forbid. This man is an abusive animal and he has NO right to ever, ever strike you. Trust me, even if you had told him nothing of your past, he would still find a reason to hit you. Either you weren’t cooking his food right or his underwear isn’t folded. There is NO future in this marriage and if you allow yourself to be hit you will only make him worse and worse towards you. Get out NOW before he kills you. Get out NOW before you get pregnant and bring a baby into this disaster. Get out even if your family is opposed. Allah does not want women to be punching bags – women who put up with this are sinning against themselves because they are allowing themselves to be abused.
I know there are those who would disagree and who would say that divorce is the most hated of the permissible things in Islam, but I have seen this too many times – he is not hitting you because of what you told him, he is hitting you because that is his way. He will NOT STOP.
You cannot say that you love your husband. Perhaps what you think is love is infatuation or desire to please him or please Allah. Loving someone who abuses you is a sickness. You need to get away from him and learn to love YOURSELF enough not to allow yourself to be hit. If you have made taubah for past sins, that is between you and Allah. Allah is ar-Rahman, Most Merciful, and He specifically forbade men from striking women except under the most specific and limited circumstances. THESE circumstances do not qualify.
May Allah help you to have the strength to leave this man. Ameen.
Fi Aman Allah,
Nancy Umm Abdel Hamid
- Well, I’m an atheist so this Allah stuff is WAY over MY head. But as far as killing yourself as a means of correcting the problem, may I suggest first that you KILL your husband. Then check to see how well your life is going with Allah. If all is better, then problem solved. If not, then you can deal with it your way.
Good luck!
